It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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