Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
