i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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