my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
