I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
