On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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