I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
