happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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