I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
