i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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