I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
