I haven't been this sober since birth.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
