Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I did not marry a roomba.
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