Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
