nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
