fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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