if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All the doctor said was why
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
