im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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