It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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