DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
