So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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