i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
