On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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