Im at strip club and am horny
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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