You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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