If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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