Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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