wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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