First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
