she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
