Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
