Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult