margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."