but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.