i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
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I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs