One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
