I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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