Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
