I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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