Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
