awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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