This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Maybe he injected his testicle?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
