i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
