got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
