WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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