He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
