Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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