So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
