Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
