So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
