For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You may now shotgun with the bride
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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