So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
