i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize