Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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