my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
