You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
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Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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