I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
