are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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