sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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