They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
