Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize