It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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