Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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